“Beautiful lingerie and a romantic dinner, but something feels off for both of us”
Alina (name changed) says that after returning from the combat zone on rotation, her husband became withdrawn:
“I couldn’t even touch him. I thought something was wrong with me. But then we talked everything through, and he said he needed five days to feel like he was home.”
While he was in the war zone, he did not respond to sexting or messages expressing desire. Before this period, Alina had been sexually active, so when intimacy was reduced to once a month, she struggled to see it as normal. At home, she would leave his sweaters unwashed for a long time, just to keep his scent around.
“It felt like a stranger was coming home,” she says. “Everything seemed different—his smell, his touch. You put on beautiful lingerie, prepare a romantic dinner, but something feels off for both of you. We had intimacy, but it was quick, as if just for the sake of it. I would sometimes cry during sex—it was my way of releasing nervous tension. At first, it scared him. Then he got used to my reaction, and we could even continue. Exhaustion would take over, and we would just fall asleep. In his sleep, he could scream, strangle me, and I would calm him down and hold him.”
After six months, the couple became accustomed to the fact that neither of them desired intimacy. They could sit next to each other in silence. When they tried to resume their intimate life, Alina felt pain and discomfort, while her desire faded altogether.
Anna (name changed) had a different experience. Since she saw her partner only once every three months, intimacy became a priority. They missed each other so much that on the first day after his return from the war zone, they would take their children to their grandparents and spend time together.
“Our intimate life changed, and it largely depended on how the combat deployment had gone. If he had experienced great danger or suffered losses, it affected us. There was no tenderness—it was quite rough, lacking love. We talked about it, trying to understand why. We realised that, in those moments, sex was just something that had to happen immediately, without foreplay.”
What you need to know about a loved one returning from the combat zone
How can the transition be made easier? Dariya Bariyeva, a practical psychologist who advises military families, explains that war changes people. She encourages couples not to be afraid of the fact that their partner may return home with new habits, skills, words, and behaviours:
“You will have to get to know each other again—rediscover one another, agree on new rules of behaviour, respect, and so on. You can go on a date together, talk about what has changed in the family during this time. If you have children, they may have grown up—you should explain what their needs are now.”
The easiest way to compare this is to returning from a holiday or business trip in another country. When we come home, it takes a few days to readjust—everything feels different and unfamiliar. The longer a soldier has been away, the harder this adjustment will be.
What not to do:
- Forcing them to talk about their combat experience. Instead, you can say: “I would like to know about your life there, but if you don’t want to talk, I accept your decision. Let me know when you feel ready to talk about it.”
- Trying to assess the soldier’s experience. Avoid saying: “I know what it was like for you all the time”or “What you had to do was terrible.”
- Giving advice without first listening. Do not assume how the serviceman or servicewoman may react or express emotions.
- Approaching the military from behind, waking them by touching their body, or touching them without permission.
- Reacting to aggression with aggression—but do not stay silent about it either.
- Using antidepressants without consulting a doctor.
About sleep problems and intimate relationships
Sleeping separately at first may help. You can leave a nightlight on or keep the TV at a low volume, as many soldiers find it difficult to sleep in complete silence.
Avoid touching them in their sleep. If a serviceman or servicewoman has nightmares, do not wake them abruptly—they may react instinctively and accidentally harm you.
“Usually, loved ones want to create a warm and comfortable environment for their returning partner as soon as possible, including restoring intimacy,” says psychologist Dariya Bariyeva.“You shouldn’t assume there will be problems—there may not be any. But sometimes, a couple’s intimate life changes. This could mean either an increase or decrease in sexual activity. An increase is common in the ‘honeymoon phase,’ where both partners have a heightened need for intimacy. A decrease may be marked by aggressiveness, faster-than-usual ejaculation, difficulty achieving an erection or orgasm, or a lack of desire for touch or intercourse altogether.”
A serviceman or servicewoman’s reaction to their partner’s desire for intimacy may be unusual. However, this is not their fault—it is a result of biochemical and physiological processes occurring in the body.
About possible sexual problems: erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, or frigidity
The World Health Organisation states that sexual health includes the physical, psychological, and social aspects of sexuality and relationships—not just the absence of disease. Sexual dysfunction refers to a range of conditions that can prevent a person from fully enjoying sexual activity and intimacy.
There are different types of sexual dysfunction, including erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, and frigidity. These issues can result from stress, anxiety, tension, fear, or depression. However, they can often be addressed through relaxation techniques, behaviour modification with the help of a psychotherapist or psychologist, and special exercises that rewire brain function and strengthen sexual muscles.
“You shouldn’t criticise your husband’s sexual performance, discuss it in front of others, seek relationships outside of marriage, or sleep in separate beds because of this problem,” says Dariya Bariyeva.
To support your partner, it is important to try to understand them and follow simple recommendations. Establish a healthy diet and sleep schedule that both partners can follow.
Allow your spouse personal space and do not restrict communication with fellow soldiers they trust, as shared experiences can provide valuable support. Encouraging time with children is also beneficial.
“You should not be afraid to seek specialised help from doctors, psychologists, narcologists, or sexologists if necessary. You can even seek counselling together,” says Dariya Bariyeva. “It may sound unusual coming from me, but I also recommend seeking guidance from a priest if needed. Many soldiers become religious after their experiences, and stigma or social condemnation can prevent them from acknowledging the problem. In such cases, reaching out to a military chaplain can provide support and, if necessary, a referral to specialist services.”
Sexuality psychologist Maksym Zhuravskyy stresses that counselling and treatment for veterans’ intimate health issues, such as erectile dysfunction, should take place after demobilisation and their return to civilian life. “I often see colleagues trying to treat erectile dysfunction in soldiers still in the combat zone. In these conditions, erectile dysfunction can be a normal physiological response, as the body prioritises survival over reproductive function. In such cases, a sexologist should focus on reducing anxiety, explaining the temporary nature of the problem (as erections often return naturally upon homecoming), and supporting the soldier’s psychological health. Additionally, doctors should not prescribe antidepressants or other medications remotely without conducting laboratory tests and assessing the patient’s condition. Once the soldier has returned to civilian life, we can begin addressing the stress-related, physiological, and emotional factors.”
There is a way out
“It’s important to share your experiences with others so that they are not left to process them alone,” says Alina. “At the same time, each family benefits from different approaches. Support groups for military wives didn’t help me, because hearing other people’s difficult experiences made me feel even worse. For us, the most useful thing was to talk openly about everything that worried us.”
Alina started working with a psychologist and encouraged her husband to do the same. At times, she felt like giving up and separating. She hadn’t realised that she and her partner had different sexual constitutions—she needed more sex than he did. A sexologist helped her to understand this.
“War is a test for relationships, and I’m sure that if both partners don’t make an effort to maintain the relationship, the family will fall apart,” she says.
For Anna, it was not so much about meeting physical needs as it was about preserving her feelings. “At a distance, emotions become blurred and fragile. A man has no opportunity to show attention or say warm words because he is focused on a combat mission. But every woman needs this expression of warmth at least sometimes—not just dry words like: ‘Hi, how are the kids?’”
She searched for a way to talk about these feelings and accidentally came across an advert for an 18+ board card game about emotions. At first, her husband dismissed it as a waste of time, but eventually, he agreed to play. “Perhaps this game was originally designed for couples just starting a relationship to get to know each other better, but we played it several times, and I made so many discoveries. I saw my partner in a new light—I thought I already knew his answers and how he would react to certain situations, but his perception turned out to be completely different. It helped me understand him better and build a warmer relationship.”